By Tom Wilson
BRAIN STUFFING – Diary #1
A Message to the People in the Kingdom of the World.
– Joe Aver American.
Me: I’m nervous that I had a thought that I thought was great. Then…I couldn’t think of it.
God: This is a great start. Your stoned.
Me: Why did you make me write that?
God: Don’t be afraid.
Me: What shall I write now?
God: I Don’t know.
Me: My mind is racing.
God: Listen to the music.
Me: This is going to fast for me.
God: Don’t intellectualize.
God: Your hand is all you think about when your writing at the bottom of the page,
Me: My conscious is my guide.
God: You mean God.
Me: Your right!!
God: I’m done.
Tom: I love you.
God: Don’t be afraid.
Lincoln logs. Connect the dots. Tinker toys. Stars in space. A prism. Science. Religion. The light. Where are the answers? What is a good question? Is there something to be learned in everything?
What is there after life? Men have speculated, prophasized, and simply wondered about this question for a long time. Religion tells us about a light. Even with all the differences religions have, one constant seems to be the light. It has withstood the explosion of man’s interpretation, greed for power, judgement… throughout the years. Science even acknowledges the light.
No one has less reaon to lie than a dying man. Except maybe a man who has been dead already. The story almost always told to us by a human who has died is the story of the light. The experience of floating above your own body then soaring like a beam of light toward a source of intense light. Those who return from the light to be with us, talk about how wonderful the light was, but for some reason they turn back from the light to look down to earth and see their own bodies. The next thing they know they are back in their physical bodies.
I call the place between the earth and the light “The Tube”. It links us from the world we know to that which we can only know as the light.
Now, what is The Tube. It is the connector. Maybe that’s why we play with tinker toys. Maybe that’s what a prism is showing us. Maybe it is that vast space between our world and the stars. Maybe it is the morality that religion teaches us. Maybe it is Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed.
When Science and religion and nature collide to so obviously show us the truth of the light we shouldn’t look away because they appear to show us the light in different ways. The sooner we accept the light the sooner we can understand the tube.
BRAIN STUFFING – Diary #2
More Messages to the People in the Kingdom of the World.
– Joe Aver American.
This is literally brain stuffing. Stuff I have for some reason or another written down. A lot of it is old stuff. Some of it is just plain silly. Some of it is embarrassing. Some of it is ignorant. Some of it is maybe even embarrassing. All of it is honest. I made no attempt to entertain anyone but myself. This fact probably comes as no surprise to those who know me. Just in case you couldn’t already tell, I am not a writer. If anyone is offended by this stuff, I apologize. I will admit that I myself am offended by some of it. I may have written it when I was young or drunk or both. I just decided to include all the stuff I have written down. Much of this stuff was transferred from old notebooks, napkins, matchbooks, toilet paper and the like.If all this stuff combined tells you anything it just tells you about how one man thinks over the course of five years. And, that some of the things we think can be pretty useless.
If God has a Southern accent
I initiated one of the great societies early…on a stretch of land that looked like a boot. You know, I was thinking, “the longest journey starts with a tiny step”… And after all if your going to take that long journey you will need a good boot. Well anyway, they didn’t get it…those Romans. That’s who I was trying to get through to.. the Romans. They thought that they were the end all to all things. They thought they were at the end of all journeys. But fact is that they were just the beginning of an idea I had called “forward”. At the time I just called it the “boot theory” because it was, you know…the land looked like a boot.
Anyhow they built great roads and governments and military and all that stuff, but they never got the idea about the “longest journey” thing. Maybe I should have put them on a piece of land that looked like a shoe. Maybe then they would have gotten it. After all boots weren’t really around enough then. Maybe if I made the trees all point the proper direction. Yeah I could have controlled the wind. I better sit down.
Can’t Get Real
I always feel like I’m pretending.
Even when I am telling the truth;
I feel like I’m pretending.
When I am just walking down the street,
I can’t help but pretend
When I meet someone new I
I’m pretending right now.
God doesn’t need to say good-bye.
God owes nothing.
The vale called life.
One moment sure enough to acknowledge that God guides me.
My friend and lover can’t abide me.
But faith calls me to task.
So I don’t ask.
I follow my guide.
Still in doubt;
because there is life about.
But I know god doesn’t take flight.
Such is the vale of life.
My God #2
Me – Can I smoke for this one?
God – As long as you can.
Me – I’m confused.
God – Write.
Me – Will you leave me if I smoke?
God – No
Me – I’ll see you sooner.
God – Your seeing me now.
Me – Smoking will kill me.
God – Talk to Curt.
Me – I love Curt.
God – So do I.
Me – I love Adele too.
God – Homophobe.
Me – My hand is down here.
God – You might want to explain that you mean “down here on the last blank line of the page, while you are writing.”
Me – Now that’s funny. But…I’m thinking about acting now.
God – Have a cigarette.
Tom – Are we done?
God – No.
Tom – Did you die for me?
God – I do.
Tom – Your talking about sacrifice…Right?
God – No.
Tom – Comfort?
God – No.
Tom – What then?
God – Just be alive Tom.
Tom – Bottom of the page again. What can I do now?
God – Go watch TV
Tom – Is that all right.
God – I’m not going anywhere.
Tom – I guess you’ll be coming with me.
God – I’ll be there already.
Looking for Art
I’m searching for my most original ideas. That is, I’m looking for the point of origin. Therefor I will never have an original idea. Unless you count this one.
Speck to Tom
I was feeling particularly melancholy when I put my key in the door. When I turned the knob something in my wrist popped, nothing serious but one more ache and pain in the day. When I opened the door I got a glimpse of Speck blazing out of my room across the living room sliding through the kitchen and out of sight. In my imaginations eye I saw the carpet rise and fall behind each stride she took. Sensing the worst I walked into my room sniffing for the purpose of her hasty retreat. I sniffed under the bed, inside my shoes, and even on my baseball cards. Nothing. As I looked around my room I noticed that my computer screen was lit up. Odd-since I always turn it off. I walked over to it and sitting on the keyboard was a pencil, the eraser tip of the pencil was wet with what felt like saliva. When I looked at the screen this is what it said:
Teach me what you know, like and animal, teach me,
Let me feel your emotions;
When are you hungry?
When are you sick?
When are you mad or sad?
Let me know when your glad.
Oh God!! Oh God!!
I don’t consider myself to be a brave person. At least I have never done anything particularly brave. So as a result I consider myself somewhat of a coward. I have done some cowardice things.
I was behind the alley of Estelle Harman Actors workshop. We were all filing out of the workshop at about midnight. As usual I was rushing to get home. I don’t much like to chit chat after class. Adele followed me out and we waited outside for Ana, Adele’s twin sister. I think Ana enjoys the chit chat after class. Being the son of a Air Force sergeant and railroad policeman, and a cautious secretarial mother has made me acutely aware of what people are doing around me. I tend to focus more on my surroundings than I do myself, especially when I’m in a dark alley in the middle of Hollywood at the time of year when teenagers are getting antsy for summer. Some might say I’m paranoid and at times like this I certainly wouldn’t argue. I would say that at times a certain level of paranoia is not unhealthy.
Ana walked out into the alley and we all proceeded to get into our cars. On this particular night we didn’t carpool we each drove our own cars. I like to caravan home so that if anything happens to a car there will be someone there to help. I started my car and did a U-turn and started creeping down the alley. When I looked in my rear view mirror I noticed that neither Adele or Ana had pulled out of their parking spots. I do wish that sometimes they would make more of an effort to keep up but again it’s probably me just being paranoid.
I slowed my car to a stop when I noticed out of the corner of my eye a car pulled up next to me. I looked over my shoulder and pulled over to the side to give the car more room to pull past. At that time the car pulled up next to me and stopped. I looked into the car a the driver as if to say “what the heck are you doing”. He looked me in the eyes, I have heard people say that someone was giving them a cold stare, and that was what this was like. We held each others glare for a long moment, at the time I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking but his eyes looked blank. Now that I have had time to think about it I know what I saw, his stare was calculating, he was reading me and my actions and emotions faster than I could read his.
After a moment I thought to myself, “O.K. tough guy, go ahead”. So I put my car in reverse and pulled back about ten feet. He followed me in tight formation. When I did this the other passengers came into my focus. There were four guys and one girl in the car. There was a lot of activity and rustling. It was like Jiffypop popcorn. I glanced at the driver and he was still focused on my eyes. I looked over at the passenger just as he was reaching under the seat. Everything that happened after this is somewhat of a blur but I can put my finger on a few thoughts and actions.
I revved my engine and slammed my car into gear and took off as fast as I could. Just about the time I felt a tinge of cowardice I heard a crunch and a bang sound. I remember a feeling of –Oh God!! Oh God!! My car fishtailed toward the right. They had hit me in the driver side corner panel. Fortunately I was far enough ahead of them that I could straighten my car out and squeal out on to the street to take a right. I’m not sure what I was thinking. In hindsight I think all I was trying to do was drive the car as best as I could. At the first street I took a hard right with my tires squealing I looked to see that they were right on my tail. At this point I remember that I wanted be quiet so I could hear if they were shooting, I didn’t hear anything. I began to pull away on this city street. I remember unbuckling my seatbelt in case I wrecked I could get out of the car easily. At the end of the street I took another right, they were right behind me. Now I was back at the alley we had left, uncertain what to do I pulled back in the alley knowing there would be people there and hoping the kids in the car would give up. I looked in my rearview mirror to see them continue straight. Then I realized—that I was scared.
I don’t really know how I feel a day later. I can say I’m glad it wasn’t Adele or Ana. I’m not angry at those kids for some reason. The thing I will always remember crystal clear is the look in the drivers eyes. The stair that most people would say was blank, but what I saw was the eyes of a great mathematician, calculating, concentrating. All to be wasted on a thrillseaking joyride. I hope those kids make it through those tough teenage years. I hope they don’t hurt anyone. And I hope they don’t get hurt.
Brain Thumb…, Brain Hammer…, BrainPezman…, Brain Human Fishtank…, Brain Baseball…, Brain-God’s Plan !
I’m stuck in a rut. I, for the life of me, can’t seem to find the humor in anything. woe is me. I often wonder if I think way too much about myself. Not in terms of thinking that I’m great but in terms of actual time spent. “Everything pertains to me.” Well at least if it is bad. I take very little credit for the good in my life. Most of that goes to God. But the bad? Well , I’m responsible for that. When my life is not going as I would like I can be sure that it is my fault. Then…because I’m sure that it is my fault I find myself doing nothing because I’m such a loser. I sleep way too much.
I’ve been seeking a level of high in my life and as I have gotten older I desire less and less to use alcohol or drugs to attain it. I seek the natural.
Anyway back to the present struggle. I’ve lost my long-term view. I doubt the promises made to me by God. I fear any transgression will only emerse me in my present squalor. I believe this has affected my sense of humor in a profound way. In fear ones creative mind locks up like a boa on it’s prey. Constantly questioning Gods view of me, I walk delicately through these days. Never wanting to disappoint. Never wanting to fail. I…”See what I mean when I say that I think of myself too much?” Constantly I. Constantly me. But it’s not in a positive way. I don’t revere myself. I don’t think highly of myself. I’m humble about myself to myself. I’m negative about myself. Being down is no fun. I sometimes wonder if this is as good as it’s going to get, yet I think of it as a low. My…oh, now that would be sad. To think that your in a valley when actually your at your peak. That makes me confess that I have been in my valley and thought I was at my peak. I can attribute this to the abuse of some of life’s greatest gifts. But I seek to “attain” without the crutch of altering my natural god given state. Not that I will not alter my state, but I choose not to attain or rely on the altering to guide me to my ultimate destiny.
I find that I beat myself up so much that I can’t get out of bed. When I do get out of bed I go straight to the couch and watch the fucking TV This too has stunted my creativity.
I do admit that I believe myself to be a dove. I often think of myself as a knight.. a white night. I can help anyone, I can help everyone but myself. I have very little foundation in thought. Each thought is a new thought coming from no direction going no direction but still filling a void in some strange way. A void that only I can fill, unique and special yet unseen and not understood. I long for the day when the world can see the good that God will do through me. If I can only stay out of his way.
High School Cool
Tattoos, nose rings, piercing,
draw attention now.
Future trinkets and pictures to show
that you were afraid.
Fearful soldiers with no war to fight.
The days of your youth blown on the night.
I give respect to those who command it, not to those who demand it.
Brain Human Fishtank
Last night I cut a fart that was so bad that the cat left the room. I couldn’t stand it either so I got up and opened a window, and car alarms started going off, and the wind changed direction and left. Now that is a worldclass fart.
DADDY WAS THE T.V.
DADDY WAS THE T.V. #1
I don’t trust it anymore.
I find that I have to get drunk to enjoy it.
I know it had a big part in raising me,
but I’m becoming skeptical.
The box makes me feel sad sometimes.
I know that at times some really good stuff shows up on the box.
But there has to be something else.
DADDY WAS THE T.V. #2 It’s better than people
It gives and it gives
and it doesn’t ask
But, I think that
when it does ask
for something back…
it will be really really big.
Anyway I hope it never
DADDY WAS THE T.V. #3
When I was a kid I thought T.V. was funny.
Thank you Bugs, Foghorn, and Herman and Katnip
When I was a teenager I thought T.V. was right.
Thank you Cronkite, Cossell, and Nixon.
When I was a young adult I thought T.V. was a good friend.
Thank you Cosby, Carson, and Carter.
Now I’m 34 and T.V. is just Furniture.
Thank you Hardcopy, Oprah, and Baseball.